Pajama Party

I hate this writing I hate these empty words i spew out at parties where I never know where to place myself and I haven’t been bright in these settings in a while and it isn’t me and is this how we are expected to be and me in February is neglectful and disconnected feeling both apprehensive abt beginning new things and desirous but what else is new this framework doesn’t destroy that it doesn’t break dependencies and insecurities maybe not myself but this at least gives a place for my eyes when did I get so worried abt our eyes i’m trying to occupy realms i’ve never seen that isn’t tru i’m not trying to occupy anything i’m floating i’m waiting to transform your fear your hatred your rejection into my power so i can come back and float away from this river but not away from the river the river will grow until it’s all river and i’m floating through all of it but i’m feeling the patriarchal bullshit i’m feeling the norm of providing and securing learn to allow people to ache and know there is nothing to do i don’t hold everyone’s answers i don’t know how to talk to people when they have a question that i can’t shine my fucking light on i’ve become dislodged unanchored feeling adrift back w/ that unproductive and empty feeling i need to pee i need to think about active listening i need to revisit why i’m here i need to understand where i’m going or what direction i should even start in i’m so worried abt destroying my family, destroying myself, destroying everyone around me

Ryan Tarr

ryan tarr is a non binary queer michigander living in austin rn, you can reach them at rwt1515 at gmail n can find their work at they would love to b yr penpal if u would be theirs